“Conan the Barbarian” — No one ever turns into a giant snake. That, in a nutshell, is what’s wrong with this remake: The knowing sense of big, ridiculous fun that marked the 1982 original is gone, and in its place we get a self-serious series of generic sword battles and expository conversations. Fight, talk, fight, talk, fight, talk, then an enormous throw-down followed by a denouement that dangles the possibility of a sequel (dear God, no) — that’s the basic structure here. And yet, despite seeming so simplistic, director Marcus Nispel’s film is mind-numbingly convoluted. The fact that it’s been converted to a murky, smudgy, barely used 3-D doesn’t help matters. While the original “Conan” — the movie that signaled the arrival of Arnold Schwarzenegger as a bona fide movie star — looks extremely dated nearly 30 years later, it still functions just fine as both an epic adventure tale and an admitted guilty pleasure. There’s very little that’s pleasurable in this new “Conan,” aside from allowing us to ogle the muscular, 6-foot-5 physique of up-and-coming action star Jason Momoa. Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang and an over-the-top Rose McGowan co-star. R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity. 102 minutes. One star out of four. —Christy Lemire, AP Movie Critic
“One Day” — Maybe it was all more resonant, more poignant on the page: the many highs and lows and major life shifts that occur during the decades-spanning friendship/romance between Emma (Anne Hathaway) and Dexter (Jim Sturgess). But here they feel so cursory and rushed, it’s as if we’re watching a filmed version of the CliffsNotes of David Nicholls’ best-seller. The central conceit is this: Em and Dex meet after a long night of post-college graduation partying on July 15, 1988. “One Day” keeps coming back to that one day, year after year, and checks in with them as they date other people, forge careers, share awkward dinners and basically wait around until the inevitable July 15 when they’ll be together. Big, weighty moments are thrust before us — and these should be serious hanky moments — but since the emotional groundwork hasn’t been laid for them, we’re not moved. We’re just not there yet. Emma and Dexter feel more like ideas, types, rather than fleshed-out characters, so the supporting players who supposedly play crucial roles for them barely register either. It’s a handsome misfire, though. And it’s all the more curious coming from Danish director Lone Scherfig, whose last film was the excellent “An Education” (2009), which was nominated for three Academy Awards including best picture. PG-13 for sexual content, partial nudity, language, some violence and substance abuse. 104 minutes. One and a half stars out of four. —Christy Lemire, AP Movie Critic
Silver Screening Reviews 