‘The Watch’: great cast, mediocre comedy
In “The Watch’s” opening scenes, you are told, by Evan (Ben Stiller, “Night at the Museum”), that his hometown of Glenview, Ohio, is the best place in the universe. Minutes later, Alien-wannabe extraterrestrials are mutilating unsuspecting citizens in bloody, gruesome fashion. Here’s where things get interesting: The aliens hide out in the most inconspicuous of places: a Costco basement. You know, they really do have everything you need under one roof.
It seems these aliens want to destroy the world. Because, as we later learn in the clichéd tell-all moment, that is what aliens do, even after the “E.T.”-like introduction to them. (At least this invasion doesn’t involve stealing the planet’s water.) You don’t actually see the aliens until late in the movie, but they are a nasty-looking bunch, with a humanoid body and Alien-style facial feature (minus the H. R. Giger surrealism). You will be impressed with their weaponry, though, as was the main cast when it stumbled across an orb-shaped ray gun. Who knew destruction could be so fun? (Silly question, right?)
Starting off the comedy with a bloody murder, “The Watch” reaches its low point almost immediately, and it never truly recovers. Saturated with male sexual tension, both real and perceived, jokes abound revolving around the male genitalia – enough Magnum condoms in this Costco to supply all of America, green slime that feels like semen, and aliens with their brains literally located in their penises – director Akiva Schaffer, with writers Jared Stern, Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg, stumble in their hunt for laughs.
There’s a touch of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” along with naughty language films such as “Kick-ass.” The goal seems to be that if enough genital jokes and slo-mo explosions happen that the lackluster plot and script can be forgiven. The movie works hard to accomplish that goal, but even with Stiller, Jonah Hill and Vince Vaughn, it’s not enough to salvage this alien wreck.
Some funny moments occur in spite of movie’s plot itself. When everyone becomes a suspect (because the aliens wear our skin), the “oh-snap-is-he/she/it-an-alien?” guessing game is pretty humorous. Or when the creepy next-door neighbor becomes something else entirely. And the satirical look into the obsession with security can cause a chuckle or two.
But what’s not so funny is the group of misfits who band together to purge the town of its demons. Or aliens. Whatever.
We have Evan (Stiller), the goody-two-shoes of the group who seeks to improve his town over his own relationship with his wife, Abby (Rosemarie DeWitt). Then’s there the wannabe machoman Franklin (Hill), who is a gun fanatic and all-around strange guy. (It was probably a good thing he was rejected from becoming a cop.) Bob (Vaughn) is a loud-mouthed, boisterous jock who has his problems to deal with asides from finding murderous aliens, mainly his teenage daughter. The last team member is Jamarcus (Richard Avoade), a Brit whose only point in the movie is to be British.
Needless to say, these are not the guys you want watching over your neighborhood. Nor is this the movie you want to watch. Perhaps you should create your own neighborhood watch. You couldn’t do worse then these guys.
Two green-blooded stars out of five.
Silver Screening Reviews 
I thought it had the possibility of being good, but was done stupidly/poorly. The premise was good, and even the aliens were kinda badass, and the type of characters were good, but the execution was stupid, and overdone. It just feels like they tried too hard, and made it stupid instead of decent.
I have to agree to a point. I wasn’t expecting much, even with its hilarious cast. And it had its moments, but it was a strange, strange movie…