Above, a scene from “Battle Los Angeles.” (Photo credit: Columbia Pictures)
‘Battle Los Angeles’ merges mediocrity, lack of ingenuity into lame catastrophe
UPDATED – Twenty minutes into “War of the Worlds” — oops, wrong movie — “Jarhead” — argh, wrong again — “Battle Los Angeles” (there we go), the world as we know it comes to a screeching halt, all courtesy of a barrage of menacing slime-spewing aliens armed “Rambo”-style and in serious demolition mode. And despite the gritty and bloody explosions desecrating the greater part of Southern California, real sense of fatalism running rampant and military armory large enough to invade a planet, the simple plot (which is shocking considering how many sources were meshed here), overly dramatic acting and downright bore factor leave you craving to have your own battle against the movie screen.
“Battle” steals the basic premise of “War of the Worlds” in that aliens descend upon Earth in some fashion (this version involved small groups landing at major cities across the world in meteor-like formations), start destroying all humanity and have an uncanny connection to water. On top of that, the director (Jonathan Liebesman, “Darkness Falls”) throws in some “Cloverfield” vomit-inducing shaky-camera filming, “Black Hawk Down” military situations (sans the memorable plot), aliens from some awful “District 9” fan fiction and a script so trite and implausible you may want to drown yourself in Earth’s much-coveted water. (Honestly, though, is there no other planet in the universe that has water in liquid form?)
So, to save the human race from certain extinction, a ragtag group of Marines and an Air Force pilot set off against the legion of alien forces. Led by Staff Sgt. Nantz (Aaron Eckhart, “Thank You For Smoking”), who of course has deep personal demons he contends with throughout the movie, the group of forgettable grunts (including Michelle Rodriguez — a shameful waste of talent — Ramon Rodriguez and Ne-Yo) obliterate their way through the fiery remnants of Los Angeles. (Though, through all that smog, it’s hard to distinguish any noticeable difference). Their mission: Rescue the civilians stranded in a police station and take them to the extraction point. Easier said than done, right? Well, easier to read on paper than watch on the screen.
And while Eckhart did an admirable job, no amount of great acting talent would have salvaged this travesty of a script. (And just wait until his huge monologue near the end; it’ll bore you to tears while you simultaneously wonder how he memorized all those numbers.)
But never mind all the criticism. Here’s a plus: No one would fault you if thought Micheal Bay directed this explosion-heavy “movie.” (It seems nothing just gets riddled with bullets anymore. If it doesn’t cause a fireball to descend from heaven, then it doesn’t make the screen. Who knew concrete combusted on impact?) And the film does move at bullet speed, which helps get you along to the nearly two-hours-in-coming ending.
For something that has “blockbuster” written all over it, it’s staggering how epicly this movie fails on nearly all levels. If this is what to be expected during an alien-invasion apocalypse, we may as well kiss L.A. goodbye. But maybe aliens will find somewhere else to invade. Let’s just hope their first stop is any theater still playing this movie.
One star out of five.
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Silver Screening Reviews 
I thought the movie was great.
Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, right? 🙂 I just wasn’t a fan of the movie, but there are plenty of horrible movies I absolutely love.